This tattoo is in honor of myself. It is in my own handwriting. It represents everything I am free to do and everything I am now free from. The following is my version of a compilation of quotes and phrases I have read over time that inspired and strengthened my vision for this beautiful representation of my growth and healing.
There are two kinds of freedom: freedom to...
and freedom from... I think the purpose of knowing freedom is to free
someone else. What good does it do to wrap up our heart ache and loss,
fear and anger, even joy (if it appears to be boasting)
and hold these emotions captive for a private showing, preferably
behind closed doors with a licensed Keeper of Secrets. It's a cultural
norm and a family tradition and I make no judgement at all. I just don't
follow the rules anymore.
The only thing I can think to say today is: I am tired of secrets.
I am done holding these things captive. These things that hurt me. Memories burned into my body. Haunting images that billow in like mist while I sleep. Strange experiences on and within my body that shame has kept quiet. Voices in my head that say such horrible things that I must shout at the top of my lungs in my car just to silence them. The only thing that helps these days is sitting among thousands of people singing so loudly to a band that plays their songs so fervently, in a room where the acoustics are so clear and the speakers are so close to my ears that even for only an hour and and fifteen minutes, I can finally hear nothing else. As an intelligent and capable woman, I am done feeling powerless over this. I am so over being limited by this. I am finished with the embarrassment. I will not be brainwashed into restraining myself anymore. I am exhausted and pissed off. I will learn to annihilate these patterns. Some day I will believe that I am worthy of all that is good in this world. I must believe that I deserve to have complete faith in myself and in those that mean the most to me. I deserve to believe. I deserve to believe. I can believe. I will believe.
Her spirit sparked and those eyes of hers ignited after a long wait lifelessly hanging on the ledge. So many exhausting years spent holding up that leaking dam only moments away from crumbling...desperately waiting for someone to help hold it all. But there was another way. A humble safety net was just behind her. It certainly will keep her afloat. All she had to do was...let go and turn around.
Her soul flew freely, finally released from the chains--the words, that bound her. Something so simple, a connected...shared witnessing of experience captured permanently in a photograph and I am free from those words forever.
She used to close her eyes to memorize the pain...it was the only truth she knew. But now, when her eyes are closed, she reaches for the memory that made her feel strong. One week ago, I stood in a park in the middle of the city holding a poster
covered with painful words written by my trembling hand for a single photo... I am not ashamed of the fear I felt and the anonymity I wanted to keep. Even though my hands were shaking I wrote those words. My face was covered, but I stood confidently as the photo was taken.
It seems that it's everyday now, that I put another piece of the puzzle into place. New memories emerge and connections are being made more often. Now the image of my pink bike with white and purple polka-dot banana seat makes sense. I couldn't sit down on it and had to ride home standing up after being sexually abused by my neighbor while playing hide-and-seek-in-the-dark in his basement. Now I know why falling and splitting the beam in gymnastics practices hurt me so much more than the other gymnasts. I insisted on an icepack ...and would sit on it in a dark room on the couch icing myself...and would eventually fall asleep. That was my escape every time to fall asleep. My coaches and teammates thought I was such a baby...they would get so irritated with me. I had no idea how to communicate to anyone though...I lived my life believing I was "silly" "sensitive" a "cry-baby"...until I shut down...
Anyway, I've been working really hard in counseling the past few months too. It's amazing how quickly things start moving once I'm in the right place and I allow everything to flow from those dark places. I still resist a lot...and censor at times. There are somethings that I don't think I will ever be able to say out loud. But that's okay for now....I have made a lot of progress. Haha! I said it!
The real reason for this post is....tomorrow is my birthday. I've been working toward my own "Growth" in 2012 as a goal I've set for myself in place of a Resolution. In this upcoming odd-numbered year of my twenties, I think I want to focus on something else as well. I'm not really sure what. I have made so many wishes on my birthday each year. I think I've stopped making them, because...well, hoping for my future didn't seem to be worth it. But now, I'm willing to try again....
This song makes me cry every time I hear it. Not in sadness, though. There is so much hope within the words; so much love. Those are two things that I rarely experience. I think that's what I'll wish for...Hope and love in my life this year, and for all of my years to come.
I am done holding these things captive. These things that hurt me. Memories burned into my body. Haunting images that billow in like mist while I sleep. Strange experiences on and within my body that shame has kept quiet. Voices in my head that say such horrible things that I must shout at the top of my lungs in my car just to silence them. The only thing that helps these days is sitting among thousands of people singing so loudly to a band that plays their songs so fervently, in a room where the acoustics are so clear and the speakers are so close to my ears that even for only an hour and and fifteen minutes, I can finally hear nothing else. As an intelligent and capable woman, I am done feeling powerless over this. I am so over being limited by this. I am finished with the embarrassment. I will not be brainwashed into restraining myself anymore. I am exhausted and pissed off. I will learn to annihilate these patterns. Some day I will believe that I am worthy of all that is good in this world. I must believe that I deserve to have complete faith in myself and in those that mean the most to me. I deserve to believe. I deserve to believe. I can believe. I will believe. 
