Get out of my way

I sit here at my desk-the place where I do many things in my life-work, relax, plan and the things that surround me are meant to inspire, strengthen, and encourage me. I have the card my therapist gave me when I graduated with a beautiful story she wrote for me inside. An incredible letter from a dear friend with pictures of when we were young telling me how awesome I am is taped above my computer screen. To my right I have my 2013 Vision Board reminding me to be DELIBERATE this year. And finally my personal favorite-Oh, the Places You'll Go! By Dr. Seuss. But carelessly tossed on top them are bills, books, and budgets; receipts and reminders: tiny burdens that when added together weigh me down so far below the well intended promises from those who mean the most to me. And as I look at these things I am able to see my internal world-a stark representation of my private and painful battle. I am a fighter...there is no denying. Fighting myself, however, is a battle I can never win. I do not know how to surrender.

I continually find myself standing at the precipice of my every desire, with strengthened wings so ready to see what they can do...just begging for the chance to fly...and I can't figure out how to get out of my own way.

 

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Okay just let me yammer on a bit to get this mess in my brain organized...
It seems that I stopped to tie my shoes or something for a brief second and everything that I have been working on and towards came stumbling over me and knocked me into a pile of my own healing. There have been work changes, therapy changes, life changes, personal changes, weather changes, emotional changes, physical changes all in the last 15 months. -I remember  the day because in February of last year I took a picture of myself the day I believed I started healing because I felt different. I even looked different and I wanted to document that change. (side bar, I have taken a few other pictures like that to prove to myself that there is a difference in me)- Now, from the outside looking in, these are all extremely hopeful and positive changes, things I have been working really hard for...what's the problem? But now that I'm not *just* working on them anymore it's like..."whoa okay life, let's relax for a minute." Now I have had a feeling that 2013 was going to be a fabulous year for me. I could and still kind of can feel it in my bones. But I still have a saboteur for a subconscious and it ruins everything! It makes me panic, makes me focus on how things are going to become more difficult despite the "positivity", focuses on the negative and tries to convince me that I'd be better off staying stuck, in a place I am not satisfied with, doing things that hold me back, and continuing with things that I really don't need anymore (or perhaps won't need in the future). And let's not forget the lovely thought, "what if you FAIL? what if it all comes down in flames, crash and burn. hahaha and you thought you could win this? Who do you think you are?"-it says to me...

So I understand how trauma works and all but this radical shift is mind blowing. I went from being "unaffected" by change in years past because I was so numb and hypervigilant that the chaos was expected and stored with the other traumas...I just knew how to keep rolling I guess until I finally stopped running and allowed it all to settle in its place, deal with any triggers and re-traumas, and eventually heal and continue on. Until this point in my life, however, I don't think I have ever hit that stopping point to allow everything to settle and fully heal in that plateau in order to regain strength and trek on. Now that I think I might finally be there, changes and good things are now terrifying and triggering and traumatizing in itself! What the heck? How messed up is that? Whatever.

Okay in true me fashion, I will abruptly stop talking now. When I look at these pictures I get the same feelings that I'm experiencing with all of these changes...

Freedom

This tattoo is in honor of myself. It is in my own handwriting. It represents everything I am free to do and everything I am now free from. The following is my version of a compilation of quotes and phrases I have read over time that inspired and strengthened my vision for this beautiful representation of my growth and healing. 

There are two kinds of freedom: freedom to... and freedom from... I think the purpose of knowing freedom is to free someone else. What good does it do to wrap up our heart ache and loss, fear and anger, even joy (if it appears to be boasting) and hold these emotions captive for a private showing, preferably behind closed doors with a licensed Keeper of Secrets. It's a cultural norm and a family tradition and I make no judgement at all. I just don't follow the rules anymore.

SS

Believing

The only thing I can think to say today is: I am tired of secrets.

 I am done holding these things captive. These things that hurt me. Memories burned into my body. Haunting images that billow in like mist while I sleep. Strange experiences on and within my body that shame has kept quiet. Voices in my head that say such horrible things that I must shout at the top of my lungs in my car just to silence them. The only thing that helps these days is sitting among thousands of people singing so loudly to a band that plays their songs so fervently, in a room where the acoustics are so clear and the speakers are so close to my ears that even for only an hour and and fifteen minutes, I can finally hear nothing else. As an intelligent and capable woman, I am done feeling powerless over this. I am so over being limited by this. I am finished with the embarrassment. I will not be brainwashed into restraining myself anymore. I am exhausted and pissed off. I will learn to annihilate these patterns. Some day I will believe that I am worthy of all that is good in this world. I must believe that I deserve to have complete faith in myself and in those that mean the most to me. I deserve to believe. I deserve to believe. I can believe. I will believe.