Back on track

Evil triumphs when good men do nothing....I love that quote. It has taken me a lifetime to be open to the idea that not every person on this earth is here to hurt me. I know how selfish that sounds, and I don't mean to be like that. It is just something I truly believed. I also believed I would never live this long...but that's another story. I am finding that there are some good people in this world. Many of them are evil and terrible but some of them have good hearts. I did not have people in my life to teach me the things this picture describes. Even if I had, I probably wouldn't have believed them. I am grateful for the wonderful people I do have in my life...now. My friends are simply amazing. I have had the opportunity to learn the goodness of people from my professors and teachers, colleagues, bosses, etc. (I even privately pretended to myself that they were "parent" figures to me) One time, the chair of the department where I studied and worked for a long time, took me for a walk around campus to scope out the best dorms for his daughter who was starting college the following year. This was, by far, the most powerful experience for me. I was walking with someone I had tremendous respect for, someone who respected me, someone who valued my input, someone who challenged me, someone who helped me grow ... In that moment I felt like I was walking with a father. He was listening to me and I saw the love in his eyes for his daughter. He knew her so well, and told me why she would or would not like certain aspects of the dorms. I was stunned. That was something I had never known before. Even now, it makes my cry just thinking about it. That was the day I learned that there are good men; good fathers.That day, love looked like something to me. I will never forget the many things I learned that day.

Two steps back

"I wonder if guardian angels cry when they see it all play out; and as they stand with their hands tied, do they cry out loud?"

I often find myself lamenting, "Why? Why did this have to happen? Why did nobody notice? Why didn't anybody save me? How could You (God) give this to me?" I have been told that those are words of a victim and not a survivor, but I can't help but feel and think them. I especially direct them toward a higher power...growing up Catholic did NOT help me out in this arena. I was always told that I must have been dreaming, how dare I say such things, I deserved it, I did something wrong, I was stupid enough to.... Some pictures and messages hanging around my house growing up said "Men don't buy appliances, they marry them." Women (and children) shouldn't speak unless spoken to, I should RESPECT my elders (aka abusers), better to be silent and appear a fool than to speak and remove all doubt, and here's the best one...it was placed on my mirror "You're looking at the problem". And people (well, I) wonder why I doubt my memories. The addicts who I grew up with, my "family",  those who are supposed to nurture, protect, and teach all of the lessons of life were the ones hurting me-and (inadvertently) teaching me that it's okay for other people to do the same... And I'm the one lying, I'm the one making up stories and dreaming. Only recently have I learned that those things are not normal...that most children do not grow up like I did. But these things fuel my secrecy. Apparently nobody knew. Nobody knows. And I have to maintain some sort of relationship with them. My extended family (whom I love dearly) battle with them, but I have to be the better person and keep up appearances. It makes me sick. I fantasize about removing them completely from my life, exploding with rage and spilling my guts ... but what about my niece...what about my nephew? I would take a bullet for them (and I pretty much do every time I'm in the same room as my immediate family). So what's the right thing to do? Sacrifice my healing by taking steps backward every single time I see them (it's been twice this week). Or risk my health, safety, sanity, and healing by cutting them out and explaining to my entire European family why.... ugh...I feel sick just thinking about it. It's paralyzing. It's exhausting. 

Debbie Downer!

Push and pull

I "know" that it's "normal" to feel conflicted. But let's be honest, it doesn't make daily life any easier. In fact, each day is a struggle. I work so hard at keeping a straight face most of the time...I can still feel the pain when I remember. Sometimes I think people can see right through me when I'm faking my way through the day. Maybe I just wish people could see it. As it turns out, I'm pretty damn good at painting on that face that tells everyone, "I'm fine! Nothing to see here."

I suppose that's why I'm just a secret survivor. I'm trying to go through this privately. My closest friends know bits and pieces of my struggle, but not even I know everything that I've been through. You know what really screws with me is this constant push and pull of "healing" and doubting. That's what I suffer from most... doubt. I doubt myself, my memories, my experiences, my abilities, my education, my thoughts, my every moment. It is a constant battle. Oh, I'm not the type of person who is going all "Woe is me" and "nobody understands" all of the time. I have some wonderful days and amazing experiences! The Debbie Downer in me just keeps reminding me that "it never lasts and it probably never will." This is an internal battle. I sabotage and punish myself. I "know" that's not good. But I can't control it. Sometimes I don't want to control it. I just let it take over me and just wait until it's done. hmmm....pretty pathetic, right? Well, it's just another day. Today was a pretty good day, all things considered. But I can't help but wonder if I will ever be at a point when I won't be exhausted from fighting an impossible battle with myself, when I trust my instincts, when I believe with 100% confidence in myself, or when I feel strong enough to allow myself to fully heal.

...these things take time.

My first steps

When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed.
But when we are silent, we are still afraid.
So it is better to speak.
~ Audre Lorde ~ 

Well, I suppose I should introduce myself to start. I would like to remain somewhat anonymous here, but I will say that I am in my mid-twenties, I have a European background, and I grew up in the mid-west. I am educated and work in the social services industry. More importantly, I am an abuse survivor, and this is my first time admitting that "publicly". I must admit, this is terrifying...

And that is where my blogging experience begins.
My goals for this blog are simple. Although some of them are selfish in nature, I mostly hope to offer some sort of support, provide information, or perhaps just another way to pass some time. There is a good chance that I will be only one reading these posts.  In the off chance that another survivor does stumble across this, I hope you find strength and healing each day.

“Don't wish me happiness-I don't expect to be happy it's gotten beyond that, somehow. Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor-I will need them all.” 

~SS