Ghost

First of all, there is about to be a lot more self-disclosure here. I'm not exactly comfortable with it, but hopefully I can maintain some level of anonymity. I have been wanting to share this for a while so I'm just going to do it.

This is a charcoal "projective" technique I did in an art therapy class a few years ago. Our directions were to draw a scribble with our eyes closed and then complete the drawing...whatever it is and come up with a story about the image. We were then asked to title our drawings and hang them up around the room. Then the class was given the opportunity to discuss them and process them (if we wanted to). Projective techniques are supposed to tap into our unconscious selves. Those who wanted to share, did. Those who didn't want to, didn't-including me. Then everyone was asked if they have any they wanted to know more about-they all pointed to mine. I refused to share. Others' in the class were unrecognizable scribbles still. Others were turned into hearts and such. One woman's was titled "Woman of life and love" and resembled a woman sitting and hugging herself.

This is what came out of me. I am not an artist. I can't draw to save my life, at least not normally. I was shocked by this. I am actually a bit proud of it. My story was that this little girl was/is me as a ghost-sitting and staring at my own grave. I know that's terribly morbid, but in my story I was also born dead... so strange. But this is literally what popped in my head. I had to go with it and be honest. That's why I didn't want to share.

One of the diagnostic criteria for PTSD is a sense of a foreshortened future...meaning you don't believe you will live a long and fulfilling life. I had always believed I would never live past 18. All of my friends would punch me, but I truly did not see myself living into adulthood. I did this drawing in class just a few short months before my little triggering incident that sent me spiraling into my past and history of all sorts of abuse. But it was definitely a warning sign of what was to come.

I guess our subconscious really is much stronger than we think...and sometimes it will literally shout out to us in order to finally be heard.

Well...now that I am capable of receiving the messages, I'm finally listening.

~SS

Push and pull

I "know" that it's "normal" to feel conflicted. But let's be honest, it doesn't make daily life any easier. In fact, each day is a struggle. I work so hard at keeping a straight face most of the time...I can still feel the pain when I remember. Sometimes I think people can see right through me when I'm faking my way through the day. Maybe I just wish people could see it. As it turns out, I'm pretty damn good at painting on that face that tells everyone, "I'm fine! Nothing to see here."

I suppose that's why I'm just a secret survivor. I'm trying to go through this privately. My closest friends know bits and pieces of my struggle, but not even I know everything that I've been through. You know what really screws with me is this constant push and pull of "healing" and doubting. That's what I suffer from most... doubt. I doubt myself, my memories, my experiences, my abilities, my education, my thoughts, my every moment. It is a constant battle. Oh, I'm not the type of person who is going all "Woe is me" and "nobody understands" all of the time. I have some wonderful days and amazing experiences! The Debbie Downer in me just keeps reminding me that "it never lasts and it probably never will." This is an internal battle. I sabotage and punish myself. I "know" that's not good. But I can't control it. Sometimes I don't want to control it. I just let it take over me and just wait until it's done. hmmm....pretty pathetic, right? Well, it's just another day. Today was a pretty good day, all things considered. But I can't help but wonder if I will ever be at a point when I won't be exhausted from fighting an impossible battle with myself, when I trust my instincts, when I believe with 100% confidence in myself, or when I feel strong enough to allow myself to fully heal.

...these things take time.