My Kryptonite...my achilles heel.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Not trusting my instincts. I would sooner declare myself a horrible, stupid, miserable bitch than trust that the situation I'm in is no bueno, or the person I'm talking to is actually an asshole. I'll think to myself, "Alright, this guy's a condescending prick" or "I don't like the way he said that to me" and I'll feel GUILTY for thinking that and change it to take the blame myself like,  "Oh my god, (my name), you are a complete bitch" or "seriously, (my name)?, get over yourself!" It makes me want to scream!  It happens everywhere. At work-I'll have a gut instinct about something and I'll ignore it, or not follow up on it, just to find out later that I WAS DEAD ON!! Like literally, exactly right. It's not like I'm in bad situations all the time-this is mostly in reference to my work, the people I date or the people my friends date, etc. Sometimes it will even lead to self-abuse. I don't know if it's a recreation or a reliving of "punishments" and experiences of when I was a child, or what. But I'll berate myself. I used to do a lot of self-harm (although I didn't consider it to be self-harm bc it wasn't the typical method). Now that I know what I'm doing I try to control it, but it's still like a natural response to my "stupidity", my mistakes. I'll even bring up past mistakes and punish myself again for it. Things that happened years ago, a decade ago even....it doesn't matter. I hate it. It's amazing, really, the number of thoughts I have. It's funny because I really don't think the average person could  handle it. I will go through this multiple times a day and still work a full day, handle other people's "stuff" and text my friends, email colleagues, drive where I need to go, have meetings, and everything else. Is this how it's meant to be for me? Like is this just the hand I was dealt? Is this something that I just have to live with? Or can it stop? Is it possible to change? Am I the only one with this shit or is this common for "survivors"?


I'm not even sure how to do this...consistently anyway.

 

How are people "kind to themselves" as a way of life? I can go like a day, maybe, or for a short amount of time. When it comes to myself, my natural reaction is to be hurtful. When it comes to other people, my instinct is to doubt, because of the way I think of myself. And I just have to laugh, because nobody really knows! 

This is how it feels

Sometimes lyrics are the only perfect way to capture my emotion. I can't verbalize it, I can't draw it, I can't write it....but this is how it feels. 

All those feelings you have inside of you. All those feelings you’ve hidden, don't keep them bottled up, ignored. Let them out. Set them free. Face them. Sit with them and sort them out. Don’t be ashamed or scared of how you feel. Figure out why, and decide what you’ll do with them. Feel. Feel everything.

 

~SS

Feisty...

 Today I would just like to vent.... ARGH!!!! Some people are so blind and it drives me absolutely insane. I think I'm a little on edge because the past few days I have been having nightmares again. I get really agitated when I have these dreams. They freak me out and I wake up in a panic and it takes several hours to truly calm down. But that's enough of that...what I'm really irritated with is this guy I'm sort of dating. He seems like a nice dude and I'm not picking up on any pressuring behaviors or anything like that...he has asked me two or three times "the story about my family" but I am not there yet, man. I don't trust ANYBODY with that information, and you just never know how it will be received. Anyway...I'm annoyed because he will say things in a "sweet" tone but I automatically think he's condescending and ignorant.  Example: I worked three jobs while I was interning so I could support myself....he said "Oh, are you a bit of a work-a-holic?" Noo....internships in my profession don't pay and I had "bills to pay and a mouth to feed, ain't nothing in this world is free" ...and I like to keep busy to avoid flashbacks, triggers, and nightmares (exhaustion was the only way I could sleep)...ain't no rest for the wicked. And then he "sympathizes" with me saying "Wow. I didn't realize that. that would've been rough as a student. i used to complain about my internship only paying $19/hour. Lol." and Yes. That was very nice, and I agree that he was trying to relate, but it made me MAD! I had to stop talking to him so I wouldn't overreact. Now looking back...not a big deal. I'm glad I didn't say anything I was thinking. I was all ready to get on my "hard work ethic" soap box and start a big sob story about working my ass off so I can remain financially independent from my abusers. But it's not the time. Sigh. Sexual, emotional, and financial abuse really does a number on sur-vi-vors...(I still have a hard time with that word). 

 Now I'm not sure this is right way to start thinking about people....but I don't want to have this fantasy of someone saving me and listening to my past and telling me that nobody will ever hurt me again... I don't want to bank on that happening. It's not likely. But maybe if I raise my expectations of myself I can set an example. ?? I don't know...maybe not. We'll see where the wind blows......

~SS

Inspiration

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
 

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while DARING GREATLY so that his place shall never be with those timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.