All I can think of is I’m glad I didn’t do it. I was so close but just couldn’t go through with it. After that I thought I was weak; too scared to take my life. But still no one even noticed that I had a problem. Everyone simply looked the other way. I was just passed by. It’s strange how I felt- I was so good at faking it, that everyone thought I was fine! I was just a happy-go-lucky and optimistic girl. It’s surprising how powerful you can feel when you are able to manipulate. I also felt crushed that nobody cared. Was I that good of an actress, I could just paint on a smile and everyone was convinced? I was hurting so badly, and the only way I knew to make it go away I was too pathetic to do. I had the perfect plan, nothing would go wrong. It would have been done. All I had to do was pull the trigger, sweaty in my nervous, fourteen year-old hand. There I was, in the basement, at my father's desk, in an empty house. But something made me put that gun down. I still don’t know what. I cried for days. I was ashamed and embarrassed of my helplessness. Still, nobody knew how close I was. Life just went on like nothing happened. Going back to school the next day...everything as it was the day before, but I was forever changed. Will I ever get to that point again? Could I ever actually do it? Can I promise myself that I will never feel that way again?
Not pulling that trigger didn't make you weak - it shows that you are so very strong, even when you don't feel that strength because everything around you feels hopeless and the pain is overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteI sure do know what it is like to be able to fake it so well that no one around notices...but wishing SO hard that someone, ANYone, would notice.
That is quite possibly the deepest pain of all. Thank you for sharing your understanding.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you didn't pull the trigger. I'm sorry you know this pain. It's surreal pretending everything is fine when we know it isn't. I wonder what that does to us when we're children.
ReplyDeleteThat was an interesting point you made about manipulation feeling powerful. Sometimes I feel guilty and ashamed for being manipulative (and I try not to be manipulative), but it does give us a sense of control.
I hope you never feel suicidal again, but if you do there's a site I visit called "suicide: read this first" when I'm especially depressed or suicidal. http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/ It's helped me in the past -actually fairly recently!
One thing it mentions is that suicidal feelings themselves are traumatic. That day when you were 14 is a trauma you experienced. I'm glad you're able to write about it here. Hopefully that will lead to healing.
Take care,
rl