Little girl with long blond hair
hides in her room again tonight.
Another long day has come to an end,
maybe this time she'll get it right.
Her desperate prayers have got to be wrong.
His answers shouldn't take this long.
She dials His number and recites the words,
...nobody ever seems to be home.
She looks out the window and checks the sky
...the lights are on but nobody answers the phone.
So she fixes her nightgown and crawls back into bed,
she straightens her blankets and lays down her head.
This little girl with long blond hair
will wait another night for someone to care.
Blond haired girl with eyes of gray
wakes up alone, just another day.
She goes through the motions like the day before
never thinking there might be something more.
This life of hers is as good as it gets
she "should be grateful and have no regrets."
But the pain inside just grows and grows
This poor girl hurts and nobody knows...
...it won't stop hurting. I can't make it go away. I can't stop crying on this miserable day. I keep on praying, but it doesn't help at all. I can't last much longer. Who will notice my fall? I'm screaming inside, but no one can hear. I'm dying inside, all I feel is fear. I'm so tired of always feeling cold. I'm sick of not having a hand to hold. I'm sick and tired of coming in second place. I hate closing my eyes and seeing your face. Everyone seems too busy to care. It's not like I expect them to notice or share, but why can't they look? Why don't they see that I am not who I am pretending to be. So many tears still roll down my face, leaving behind only but a trace, of many painful memories that can never be erased...
She writes these words in a desperate plea, hoping to God that someone might see.
Another tearful night but she doesn't muffle her cries
praying the Lord will take her soul when she dies.
The blond haired girl is little no more.
Looking back makes her sick, sick to her core.
...Sometimes the hurting subsides, but it never goes away. It only perpetuates the cycle that I believe will always stay. I'm so afraid to cry, to believe, admit, or even ask why. So I just doubt, second guess, and justify all of the confusion I feel inside...
In case you haven't noticed, if you don't see,
this poem is a story all about me.
...I have a secret that nobody knows
shhhh! Should I tell? This is how it goes:
Everything I am is a happy cliche--big smiles, endless laughter
but that's only today. What happens behind closed doors? When the world gets in the way?
There's no point in screaming...nobody hears you anyway.
Raindrops on my windshield are the tears I cannot cry.
Loneliness surrounds me while life passes by.
Dreaming comes so easily because it's all that I've known.
Truth is a fairytale. I'm scared and I'm alone.
My darkest days are behind me, still nothing seems quite right,
as I sort my lost emotions on this long and sleepless night.
I know it's not just me who feels horrible inside.
I'm exhausted from always trying to expose these things I hide.
Yet, it's all just temporary--these things I do and say.
Maybe soon I will be able to heal.
Starting today...
~SS
written September 2010
When I was little, sometimes I used to lie in bed and scream as loud as I could... to see if anyone would come. They didn't. And as I grew, I developed with the belief that I was on my own. That no one really knew me, or would really care if they did.
ReplyDeleteLife is long, though... and I have been heard. Just as you are being heard now. This poem speaks of so much pain... & even worse, are the feelings of isolation and self-doubt. That is the hardest thing to get over, I think. The belief that no one will ever really love you because the people who should have... the people who said they did... didn't really.
You are able to heal. You have already begun. It is a long and painful process... which I myself have not yet seen the end of. I wouldn't be surprised if there is no end... it may take a lifetime.
I don't think the pain ever goes away. The memories which are sad or painful now, always will be... but as you heal, you begin to choose... to add more good memories... and life does begin to feel more balanced. The wounds become scars... & though they may never go away, they do demand less of your attention. They move away from being at the center of your life. They become a mere part of it.
Just believe in yourself. I guess that's what I really want to say to you. Trust your own process and allow for all your feelings. You may feel like Sisyphus pushing that rock up the hill... but like him, you don't have much choice in the matter. Keep going! You are a hero in your own story, and in my mind as well.
"The struggle in itself is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy." - Albert Camus
Thank you for commenting. This is the one post I was actually hoping for feedback on...as silly as that sounds. I guess I just wanted somebody not only to hear me, but to understand and feel it with me. Thank you for doing that. It means a lot. It breaks my heart that other people have and are experiencing the same feelings. Your encouragement is helpful. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI hear you loud and clear. The pain, loneliness, fear and sense of being invisible are all too familiar. What is most helpful is a strong support system that includes someone you can tell (close friend or family member, therapist, spiritual advisor). The most important thing is to break the silence and the healing will begin.
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine the pain you've been through and are continuing to experience. You're not alone however. This pain is unfortunately something that a lot of us know all too well. I pray that you find fulfillment and love. If I could I would give you the biggest hug ever. I hear you, and you aren't alone.
ReplyDelete