Two steps back

"I wonder if guardian angels cry when they see it all play out; and as they stand with their hands tied, do they cry out loud?"

I often find myself lamenting, "Why? Why did this have to happen? Why did nobody notice? Why didn't anybody save me? How could You (God) give this to me?" I have been told that those are words of a victim and not a survivor, but I can't help but feel and think them. I especially direct them toward a higher power...growing up Catholic did NOT help me out in this arena. I was always told that I must have been dreaming, how dare I say such things, I deserved it, I did something wrong, I was stupid enough to.... Some pictures and messages hanging around my house growing up said "Men don't buy appliances, they marry them." Women (and children) shouldn't speak unless spoken to, I should RESPECT my elders (aka abusers), better to be silent and appear a fool than to speak and remove all doubt, and here's the best one...it was placed on my mirror "You're looking at the problem". And people (well, I) wonder why I doubt my memories. The addicts who I grew up with, my "family",  those who are supposed to nurture, protect, and teach all of the lessons of life were the ones hurting me-and (inadvertently) teaching me that it's okay for other people to do the same... And I'm the one lying, I'm the one making up stories and dreaming. Only recently have I learned that those things are not normal...that most children do not grow up like I did. But these things fuel my secrecy. Apparently nobody knew. Nobody knows. And I have to maintain some sort of relationship with them. My extended family (whom I love dearly) battle with them, but I have to be the better person and keep up appearances. It makes me sick. I fantasize about removing them completely from my life, exploding with rage and spilling my guts ... but what about my niece...what about my nephew? I would take a bullet for them (and I pretty much do every time I'm in the same room as my immediate family). So what's the right thing to do? Sacrifice my healing by taking steps backward every single time I see them (it's been twice this week). Or risk my health, safety, sanity, and healing by cutting them out and explaining to my entire European family why.... ugh...I feel sick just thinking about it. It's paralyzing. It's exhausting. 

Debbie Downer!