Push and pull

I "know" that it's "normal" to feel conflicted. But let's be honest, it doesn't make daily life any easier. In fact, each day is a struggle. I work so hard at keeping a straight face most of the time...I can still feel the pain when I remember. Sometimes I think people can see right through me when I'm faking my way through the day. Maybe I just wish people could see it. As it turns out, I'm pretty damn good at painting on that face that tells everyone, "I'm fine! Nothing to see here."

I suppose that's why I'm just a secret survivor. I'm trying to go through this privately. My closest friends know bits and pieces of my struggle, but not even I know everything that I've been through. You know what really screws with me is this constant push and pull of "healing" and doubting. That's what I suffer from most... doubt. I doubt myself, my memories, my experiences, my abilities, my education, my thoughts, my every moment. It is a constant battle. Oh, I'm not the type of person who is going all "Woe is me" and "nobody understands" all of the time. I have some wonderful days and amazing experiences! The Debbie Downer in me just keeps reminding me that "it never lasts and it probably never will." This is an internal battle. I sabotage and punish myself. I "know" that's not good. But I can't control it. Sometimes I don't want to control it. I just let it take over me and just wait until it's done. hmmm....pretty pathetic, right? Well, it's just another day. Today was a pretty good day, all things considered. But I can't help but wonder if I will ever be at a point when I won't be exhausted from fighting an impossible battle with myself, when I trust my instincts, when I believe with 100% confidence in myself, or when I feel strong enough to allow myself to fully heal.

...these things take time.