Disgust: to cause loathing or nausea in.
Synonyms: 1. sicken, nauseate. 2. repel, revolt. 4. abhorrence
When I look at myself that is what I feel. When I put on my makeup in the morning or do my hair, brush my teeth...anything that requires a mirror, I do not "look" at me. I look at what I'm doing. My eyelid, my tooth, the section of hair I'm working with...but not the whole thing; not me. I use a small round mirror to make that easier. I only look at what I need. The full length mirror I have is on the floor, not mounted so I can never see the entire thing. There will always be a disconnect from my body....I never have to look at the face that is attached to the body that reflects back. Every now and then I'll be sitting at my desk/computer and I'll catch a glimpse of my entire face in the mirror where I do put on my makeup. I will literally turn away with disgust and push the mirror back or shift the angle so that I cannot see my own reflection.
One of her favorite things to say to me was, "Mirror, mirror on the wall...I've turned into my mother after all."
I look like her; everybody says it but that's exactly what I'm afraid of.
This is my first visit to your blog. Just saw you on Twitter. If you were the helpless victim of childhood sexual abuse, you have nothing to be ashamed of. The shame belongs to your abusers. I have been healing from incest and being the child of an alcoholic since 1989. My real healing started when I started learning to love myself and was able to let go of the self-hatred. I hope you will click on my name and come to my blog and visit. You can let go of the self-disgust and hatred over time.
ReplyDeleteThis post made me think of so many things, I don't even know what to say. It is a complicated relationship with the mirror. For all women, I guess... but even more so for those of us who have had such ugly experiences & can't help but feel that they manifest somehow in our physical appearance. Especially when we see likenesses to those who have hurt us. The irony is, that as someone who has never seen your face and knows you only as a soul... I imagine you to be beautiful.
ReplyDeleteThis is, quite possibly, the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
DeleteDon't beat yourself and your body up too much- too many others have done that to you already. Keep strong and hang in there... and remember that you are beautiful and your struggle is beautiful... and even if you look like your mom, you are beautiful and she is an ugly ailufhlskjehfljeblfkjelfnjenlalw34tu.
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