Yesterday was rough. I often get these waves of darkness that completely consume me. I call them crazy train...well actually a friend dubbed them crazy train. They have died down over the last year or so. Now they only last about an hour or two (followed by some recovery time). They used to knock me out for a full day or even longer. All I can do is curl up and close my eyes. Sometimes I'll sob and cry that really hard cry that gives you a headache, blotchy face, and puffy eyes for 2 days. I find it incredibly ironic that the "happiest time of year" brought out such dread and darkness in me.
This is a text message that I sent to my best friend describing how it feels: me-...Sorry I just wanted to make a connection with somebody. her-:( :( :( whats going on in ur head today? me-A lot of scary stuff. Its like some evil being is right inside of me covering me with a dark heavy blanket and I literally feel like I will never be happy again, like I won't make it. Its like a weight is sitting on me reminding me of how terrible I am. It whispers so many things to me like "you are so disgusting, how could anyone give a shit about you, you are pathetic, you are so unlovable, you are such a worthless filthy little girl." and I'm defenseless against it.
When these crazy train moments occur, I usually send out apology text messages to my closest friends. I apologize for things like-being an idiot, being an embarrassment, for being a failure as a friend, for making them put up with me, and even for being a burden in that moment when they are talking to me. Sometimes I really wonder why or how they put up with me. I truly believe in those moments that I need to apologize to them, in a desperate attempt not to lose them but most likely pushing them away all at the same time. Once I went so far as to say goodbye and apologize for wasting their time being my friend. I am blessed to have them though. I have never met better people. I am honored that they do "put up with me" and every time I go crazy they listen, sympathize, offer help, and then tell me shut the hell up.
I never like to verbalize what actually goes on in my head. More times than not I censor and leave the "bad stuff" out. I'm ashamed of them. But maybe I should start trying to manage them a little bit better. This is a perfect example of how my "healing journey" has been. I've been looking at it all from over my shoulder, backwards. Maybe soon I can slowly start to turn around, face it head on, and stare it directly in the eye.
~SS
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