Today I would just like to vent.... ARGH!!!! Some people are so blind and it drives me absolutely insane. I think I'm a little on edge because the past few days I have been having nightmares again. I get really agitated when I have these dreams. They freak me out and I wake up in a panic and it takes several hours to truly calm down. But that's enough of that...what I'm really irritated with is this guy I'm sort of dating. He seems like a nice dude and I'm not picking up on any pressuring behaviors or anything like that...he has asked me two or three times "the story about my family" but I am not there yet, man. I don't trust ANYBODY with that information, and you just never know how it will be received. Anyway...I'm annoyed because he will say things in a "sweet" tone but I automatically think he's condescending and ignorant. Example: I worked three jobs while I was interning so I could support myself....he said "Oh, are you a bit of a work-a-holic?" Noo....internships in my profession don't pay and I had "bills to pay and a mouth to feed, ain't nothing in this world is free" ...and I like to keep busy to avoid flashbacks, triggers, and nightmares (exhaustion was the only way I could sleep)...ain't no rest for the wicked. And then he "sympathizes" with me saying "Wow. I didn't realize that. that would've been rough as a student. i used to complain about my internship only paying $19/hour. Lol." and Yes. That was very nice, and I agree that he was trying to relate, but it made me MAD! I had to stop talking to him so I wouldn't overreact. Now looking back...not a big deal. I'm glad I didn't say anything I was thinking. I was all ready to get on my "hard work ethic" soap box and start a big sob story about working my ass off so I can remain financially independent from my abusers. But it's not the time. Sigh. Sexual, emotional, and financial abuse really does a number on sur-vi-vors...(I still have a hard time with that word).
Now I'm not sure this is right way to start thinking about people....but I don't want to have this fantasy of someone saving me and listening to my past and telling me that nobody will ever hurt me again... I don't want to bank on that happening. It's not likely. But maybe if I raise my expectations of myself I can set an example. ?? I don't know...maybe not. We'll see where the wind blows......
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